1) I may or may not have been infected with Salmonella bacteria in the last week. If it wasn’t that, then it was some other bacterial infection that made me want to really get to know my toilet personally for five days.

2) At the risk of sounding like Seinfeld, I have to ask this: What is up with elderly people and their toenails? When they get older, do they lose the desire to trim them? Or are their nails so strong and their muscle strength so weak that they’re unable to cut them?